the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
at once smaller and larger than you imagine ~ April 30, 2007 - 1:06 a.m. writing has felt impossible, like so many things lately. I don't know when this happened, this creeping sickness of impossibility. like workers in the night have been building walls around my skull, keeping me trapped in the world inside my head. it's all I can do to keep from crawling out of my own skin sometimes. These last months are impossible to describe. I've been having a crisis of faith of sorts with myself, my self and my relationship with this world. moments when I think I'm not handling this :life: thing very well. life. I don't know what I'm feeling about it. I've been closer to the edge these past months than I've admitted to anyone. the edge where you start to think that throwing yourself in front of a train might be a better option than figuring out how to make it all come out right. where you actually start weighing the relative merits of throwing yourself in front of a train versus other courses of action. none of which really feels any easier or less complicated than the train thing. at new year's, this phrase came into my head: the world is at once smaller and larger than you imagine. and that phrase has been some kind of obscure comfort to me, through all of the everything. for reasons I can't even explain. the world is at once smaller and larger than you imagine. this is what keeps me here, putting one foot in front of the other and breathing in and out all day long: that this is a transition, that things are shifting, that these crises always pass. that and the love. so much of it in my life. and he, my sweetness, has been my rock, my anchor. willing, to my great astonishment, to be there for me, even when I don't know why it hurts so much. the world is at once smaller and larger than you imagine. that, and the love, make it enough. just, sometimes, but enough. keeping me from under the wheels of that train. a whispering breath across the spark of faith in something more.
(((rings))) |