the old-school guestbook archives
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restless wind ~ August 20, 2007 - 11:36 p.m. well, it was awful. the worst part was, I thought I'd come out of the conversation feeling more cared for, and instead it was the opposite. I'd been wrong about her being sad-- she was just relieved. I felt like an irritant she was happy to be quit of. I'm glad that she came here, and read what I wrote, after we talked, because I was such a mess that it all came out wrong. my diary entry expressed it all so much better. and of course there's still things I want to go back and address, points I want to clarify, but I just shrug my shoulders and walk away. none of it matters anymore. we're never going to heal from the past, never going to work it out. she doesn't seem to value me much even as a friend, and so I guess I'm better off as well. I've been restless, though, these last few days... it's as if the energy I was putting into the ache of misconnection with her is now bouncing around freely, and I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I should be doing something. something more. writing, creating. something. instead, I'm spending a lot of time laying about and re-reading novels I loved when I was growing up. I'm developing a collection of these, culled mostly from the secondhand books for sale in the library lobby. the books that were important to me as a kid. there were so many, and I read them over and over again. it was what got me through the hell of growing up a sensitive child in an alchoholic family in a midwestern rustbelt city. I was restless then, too. I think I need to be working on my novel, which I haven't touched in months. I'm fighting it though, I don't know why. I don't think I'll be fighting it much longer. it all just keeps on going.
(((rings))) |