the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
letting the wishes in... ~ August 27, 2006 - 10:33 p.m. I'm feeling very tender right now. I'm right in my heart, and it feels like sadness, it aches like wanting, but it wraps itself around me like love. I am knowing that I'm loved. and it's maybe the beautiful party of last night, and the faces of my family in shimmering wolf's pictures, the knowledge that one of my closest friends here has a baby growing inside of her, my first true love from long ago moving to san francisco and becoming my compadre again, last weekend's deep heart connections, the sprig of fresh rosemary next to my desk, my former lover's wife calling to find out if we can talk, the email I got today from a man who desires me and my confusion as to what my response might be, the fact that I'm actually writing again, planning for a trip to india and nepal, and preparing for strawberry music festival. all of this and more. no wonder my heart's feeling tender. and I've been thinking about her. and this I nearly don't want to write because words always fall so utterly short when I hold them up to my love for her, when i try to wrap them around how important she is to me. I've never been able to tell anyone, really, what we are to each other. but it's been my practice, lately, to stop and look at the feelings my mind wants to shy away from. to allow the utter vulnerability of embracing all that lies within. and that's how I know that I still wish she would be my partner, after all these years. years of telling myself she never will be, and that I should just stop thinking those thoughts before they made me feel any lower. years of letting myself believe that it felt okay to sleep on the couch while she was in the bedroom with someone else. someone who understood her less well than me, whose needs always came before mine. and I truly did believe that it felt okay, because this shying away from the feelings that make me feel vulnerable is something I've had long and hard practice with. there's nothing that feels good about wanting a woman so utterly and knowing that she does not want to be with you. and we went through such a hard time. she shut me out, and I guess she had to. there was a stretch of time where even when we were together, her eyes were hard and half-lidded, and it was like seeing her through a chain link fence. I wondered if she remembered who I was, what our connection felt like. I wondered if she'd ever again remember how much she loved me. and it felt so impossible, so sudden. our connection was so incredibly deep and loving and whole and real, I knew it would always be there. forever people. and then it was gone, and she was gone. she stopped answering my phone calls. even when I called her crying, called her shuddering with fear. she was gone and it seemed so impossible. how could she not remember what we were? it took time, and change, and more time and more change. one day she wrapped her arms around me, weeping, and whispered oh god, I almost lost you, and I was weeping too and I squeezed her tight and close and fiercewhispered you could never lose me. it's one of the truest things I know. and I don't think she believes it, even now, even after it all. even in this place where we find ourself reconnecting in a heart space larger and more brilliant than any we've known before. I am astonished by the miracle of this, by feeling her, connected and close. every phone call she returns feels like a gift. she told me once, not so long ago, that she thinks the reason she's resistant to partnering with me is because partners come and go, and she needs me not to go, not to disappear from her world as former partners are apt to do. and it still makes me smile and shake my head, whenever I let myself think about this. as if. it's not such an unreasonable fear, losing someone you love this deep. not unless you're me, and you know the impossibility of unloving her. if I could have stopped loving her, I would have long ago, somewhere around the seventh heartbreak. even when she was icy cold to me, I couldn't help hanging around her door, wishing and waiting for her to come back to loving me again. she's an extraordinary being, and being close to her makes me feel whole. however our connection manifests through the years and down the miles, she'll never lose me. we've been so many things to each other and we'll probably be many more. the fact that we may never be partners takes nothing away from a connection this strong, this deep, this precious and extraordinary. I've got my wishes, it's true. I wish she was near me, that I could see her often and easily, that we could curl up together at the end of the day and talk about things large and small. I wish we could make dinner together and put off doing the dishes and make love in the living room and play a game of scrabble before bed. I wish she could meet every person I love and come home with me for christmas. I wish we could talk about having babies and buying houses. I wish I was the woman she built dreams with. wishes are, when I let myself look at them, and I know I'll always leave that door open for her. but also I know this: our connection is deeper, warmer, and more intense than anything I ever imagined I'd know. it's more of a gift than I could ever ask for, and it's just so utterly precious to me in all of its fluidity and multifaceted depth. precious to me, too, is the way in which I love her. with an intensity that does not cling, a passion that does not bind. the love between us is strong and brilliant, filled with light and air, warm and wide as all outdoors. it's sunshine and starlight, ocean salt and good, rich earth. it's everything I could ever ask for.
(((rings))) |