the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
writing, again... ~ April 24, 2008 - 1:08 a.m. I loved writing yesterday, loved what came out of me when I gave myself permission to write from the place of darkness where I've been dwelling. I'm remembering how it is, that the act of writing itself can be a rope thrown down the well, a tension-knot pathway back to the light. I've been worried about myself this week. something about this sickness, this tenacious virus which took even my voice from me, has spun me off into a journey through the darkest corners of my heart. I know that part of the reason it's been so hard is that jesse hasn't been in a space to be there for me this week. he's wrestling with his own demons and needs his own space. and even though it's some two months now since we laid the "relationship" aspect of our connection to rest, he's still my closest, warmest source of unconditional love, the one whose arms I crawl into when the cold winds blow high. so being sick, alone, and silent, with not even my jessecat for comfort, has been a particularly harsh isolation. I've been feeling very alone. it's been good too, though, to reach out for love and comfort from other people in my life, to realize that jesse is not the only light in my universe. I'm feeling a bit lost, though. I'm at a crisis point with the things I need to be doing and am not. like writing, like dancing, like engaging my spiritual self. I've been feeling empty, and filling the space with distractions, and in the forced isolation of this week spent at home, I haven't been able to ignore the emptiness any more. I can't keep not doing the things I need to be doing, I can't keep numbing myself out. I don't know why I even struggle like this, why I get in my own way when it comes to getting what I need. it's like I'm terrified of fully living in my power. or like I'm desperately lazy. all I know is, I can't keep living like this. I will die of starvation if I don't start working at getting what I need.
(((rings))) |