the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
the deep dark ~ April 24, 2008 - 11:21 p.m. I hate depression. I really, really do. I don't really think of myself as having a depressive personality. I had a big problem with it in high school, but then, being a teenager sucks and I lived in milwaukee, wisconsin. life has just gotten better and better since I grew up and went off to have adventures in the world. but every so often, I just lose it, and I fall into the darkness. this week has been really, really hard. I don't even understand why. the worst thing about depression is that when you're in it, it feels like it will go on forever. like everything will always hurt and the best you can hope for is to die in your sleep. I was talking to one of my fellow flight attendants last week, and she blew my mind. she'd asked me if my hair had always been long, and I told her about the times in my life when I've had a shaved head. she said she could never do that, because she has a big scar. so I asked, from what? and she told me she'd had a brain tumor removed. and that one of the side effects is that she no longer has normal seratonin uptake. she's on anti-depressants, and will be for the rest of her life. they have to keep changing her prescription, because she becomes immune to them over time. she's been out of "the black hole" for about a year now, she says-- but before that, everything was awful. she told me that this job is the first one she's had in six years, that so far she's really happy she's been able to keep it together this long. "if I'd known what the last six years were going to be like," she said "I wouldn't have had the surgery." and that's what blew my mind. trying to put myself in her place, living with a darkness so deep and terrible that she'd rather the brain tumor had killed her. and it humbles me, it does. I remind myself of her in this time, how what I'm enduring is the most fleeting of shadows compared to her existence. but you know what? it doesn't help. it doesn't make it any easier. when you're in it, it feels like it will go on forever, and it takes over everything in your world. it takes your joy, your pleasure, and leaves you only pain and fear and loneliness. I feel pathetic and stupid and weak-willed, like my unhappiness is caused by some failure on my part. like if I was stronger, I wouldn't be sad. but I'm not choosing this, I swear. I'm doing everything I can to make it better. I'm eating well, forcing myself to sit in the sun every day. getting myself treats. writing. and I'm reminding myself that this never does go on forever. that one of these days, it's going to pass.
(((rings))) |