the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
struggle and ache ~ August 25, 2006 - 10:45 p.m. yes, it's true... yesterday I didn't get a star on my calendar. I collapsed in exhaustion instead of doing my writing thing. which is okay as long as I'm back here, tonight, doing it for today. when once you stop writing, it's just so easy to keep not writing. writing, keeping myself writing, is the hard part. I'm trying to hold myself to the hard parts. there's things I want in this world, and I don't get to have them if I sidestep the hard parts. I need to get right down into the pit and grapple with my unfocused nature, my lack of discipline, and all the rest. the work is on me. there's been plenty of times I've wished I didn't need for my life to be extraordinary. wished it could be enough to find some boy, settle down, have a kid, do a job I like well enough. but always, since I was small, I've known I needed something more. something different. something that would feed my soul and offer up my gifts to the world. I have been given so very much, and too often I feel like I've utterly failed to live up to it. it's not just that I want something more for myself, I want to be something more. I want more to give. I want to touch people's lives in real ways that matter. I want to change the world. it would be so much easier if I didn't. I'd be gentler with myself if I expected less. why is it such a struggle? I guess the struggle is as much a part of the dance as anything, but there's times it feels like thats all I am. struggle and ache, with moments of brilliant grace. if only it all flowed the way it does when I'm dancing.
(((rings))) |