my amazon wish list...
my favorite astrologer...
my favorite artist...
yerba mate revolution!
erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys...
no more war:
MoveOn.org
United for Peace and Justice
True Majority
seek the truth:
Common Dreams
Unamerican Activities
The Nation
people I adore, diaries I read:
rev.raikes
ariana
cubiclegirl
epiphany
glitter333
laurakay
wammo
the music:
the asylum street spankers
backyard tire fire
blue highway
bill camplin
wendy colonna
freedom tribe
joules graves
guy forsyth band
hamsa lila
hanuman
libby kirkpatrick
leftover salmon
pamela means
medeski martin & wood
the motet
the nice outfit
nickel creek
open road
rose polenzani
railroad earth
south austin jug band
string cheese incident
taarka
tha musemeant
the devil makes three
tim o'brien band
trolley
wild sage
keller williams
yonder mountain string band
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...the ones I love best...
a line, branching ~
October 28, 2004 - 2:29 a.m.
i'm staring at this box, and wanting to fill it with words, but for some reason i'm holding them all back. censoring. nothing feels good enough, important enough, deep and juicy and lively enough. i want to write things that sing and hum and scream and cry. things that are deepthroated and raw. that sound the way i look when i remember to glance into the mirror.
i am so hungry. hungry for the gift i let fall away, like so much else. hungry for the joy that used to have me dancing barefoot in parking lots with the car radio cranked up high. for the faith that saw me counting out coins in a coffee house in a strange city when the money ran out. that drew angels to buy me coffee, dinner, to wire me the cash to send me on my way.
this woman i have become in this place is so serious and strange. her eyes in the mirror have a cool sadness that never leaves. she believes that what she is doing here in this place is important. that this is good work, that this is her work. and still it's not enough.
still she knows that there is more that is required of her. that she must find her way back to the girl who believed that only words could save her in a world so cold.
she must find her way back to the girl who knew that words were the truest friend she'd ever have, the most stimulating lover, the best work and the hardest burden she'd ever carry.
i have to begin again to believe in the gifts of my mind, after working so hard to live in my heart.
a line, branching, in the palm of my hand. head and heart. both are needed for this work. both will carry my feet down this road.
and yet i fear it, i always have.
and i know it now. i live in that fear. i'm afraid of losing my heart forever, if i stay too long in the cold of this place.
it is for me to feed them, to keep them alive. to find my way back to the life of my mind and to keep alive the fire of my heart.
but how to feed them both?
i only have two hands.
previously... * and then...
(((rings)))
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