the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
collapse ~ October 19, 2003 - 4:48 a.m. I wasn't going to write today. maybe I wasn't going to write ever again. but no, that's not true. this diary has been my companion for this three years now that I've been walking some kind of road that feels endless, a sensation at once delicious and cruel. I wasn't going to write today. maybe because I was waiting for it to get better. but then I realized today that it's not. realized, in fact, that I'm drowning. that I have been for quite some time. I realized today that I seem to have fallen apart completely. it happens, you know. I wasn't going to write today. because of this. this desperate weight which has me paralyzed, because I should be stronger than this. because I should be better than this. because I should be over this by now. this falling apart. I wasn't going to write. because you don't need to know. how bad I feel about myself right now. how sick and sad and scared I feel. I wasn't going to write because I don't even know what the hell this is all about. oh, how I wish. it feels big and dark and deep and tangled, but I can't even seem to think straight and if you ask me why I'm such a mess I can only tell you that I don't know. but I came here to collapse, and I guess I have. and days this dark never go on forever. nothing lasts forever, even cold november rain. how many times I tried to explain those lyrics to noy. again and again he'd ask me. but metaphors get lost in translation. I need a job. not just for the money, but to get me the hell out of the house. I still check the plane fares to bangkok every week. I'm still trying to work out what it is that's tearing me apart. I'm developing a relationship with the television that's very nearly indecent. I wasn't going to write today. because I just don't know what the hell I can say. about any of this.
(((rings))) |