the old-school guestbook archives
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dancing the way we do ~ January 19, 2002 - 4:16 p.m. dance jam. I promised myself to go, I knew it was what I needed. and it was. ozone was spending the night at his friend harrison's house, so we had some apart time. good, healthy. I need that from time to time. because really, and I was just thinking about this the other day, I really never meant to move in with him. it's just that I was living out of my car-- and then my car broke down. so here I've been, for the last several months, and gripping into a relationship which is, by definition, harder than any I've been in for a long time. a relationship which I can't seem to make up my mind whether or not I belong in. but everytime I think of leaving, I see him growing and changing, things getting better, and I think not yet. not just yet. I remind myself that I'll know when it's time to go, that I always do. and the time hasn't come. but in the meantime, I get tired. I get so tired. and so I went to dance jam, to dance my demons away, to open up and move and connect with that energy which flows up through the earth and through every part of my body when I dance. to reconnect with the life I have when I'm not stranded in san jose. to enjoy time apart from ozone, knowing I'd come home to the peace of an empty house. and I'll admit, I hoped I might run into ever. I've missed him, my sweet love, the one who fills me with the light to balance ozone's darkness. and I knew better, even as I hoped-- because I sent him an e-mail, a week or two ago, I don't know, telling him that I was back in town and wanted to see him and I'd lost his number and would he call me or somethin'. and he hasn't. and so I knew he wasn't in a space to see me, and I sensed there was another girl involved and maybe something more... I usually have a sense of where ever is at. and so I knew. but I went, and I danced and danced, my body waking up, my lungs aching, dripping with sweat the way I do at the least provocation, I danced. I danced with david and one of his beautiful boys, an angel named matthew. we danced and laughed, energy connecting flow to flow, and I remembered that david and I have always danced beautifully together. david is a healer, deep and strong, and he and I have been connected through our love for ever, and for the earth, and the stars, and our fellow humans, ever since the night we first met. that night in ever's tent, back when ever was derek and we were in love so sweetly and simply that everyone around us noticed our light.so I danced with david and matthew, and laughed, finding the joy which has been so elusive these past months. and then david laughed, and said did you see? and I said no, and he pointed to ever, who had just come in and was finding the flow of the dance. a few minutes later, he came to us, and his hug for me was tentative and brief, and I knew then that things were going to be strange. and the four of us danced, and it was beautiful, but when I sent tentative energy in ever's direction, he let it roll off him. he was careful not to dance with me. and I thought, he's here with someone, and a couple of minutes later, there she was. the woman in the red sweater. and I should be okay with this by now, I really should. when you're not monogamous, you get used to seeing your lovers with other people. and it wasn't so much that he was there with her, but that he was shutting me out completely. I tried for a couple of words with him by the water table, but he talked to me like I was a stranger, his voice hollow and strange, his eyes never settling on mine. he's never done that to me before. and I cried a bit, I'll admit that, curled in a corner feeling the hurt of being shut out from even his friendship. and feeling more bitter about the woman in the red sweater than I like to admit. I couldn't help noticing that she's not as good a dancer as I am. I danced, knowing that that, more than anything, would make it okay. I danced and danced. the woman in the red sweater was looking in my direction at one point, and I smiled, a brilliant smile, forcing myself to feed this woman some positive energy to counteract the bitterness I didn't want to be sending in her direction. just because. she's with this boy. who I love. and who won't look me in the eye. I danced until I started to calm, until I started to open again. and then I found him again, in a moment away from his girl, I found him and told him that I understood he needed his space. and that he wasn't ready to see me. and that he's got something else going on. but I told him that I also needed something, a word or two from him, just so that I know that we're still friends and that he still cares about me. and he said that yes, he did need space, and that yes, were still friends (with the emphasis on friends, so that I would know that we were no longer lovers, as if I'm not sensitive enough to have figured that out for myself). that he still cares about me. and that there's a lot of things going on, but that it wasn't the right time or place for him to tell me about it. and I told him that I understand, which I do. told him that I just need the communication, to know where things are at. asked him to let me know when he's got the time and space to talk. and went back to the dance. and cried a little more. but more and more I began to release it. to know that it's all okay. and then david and I danced, the way we used to dance, our energy flowing together in silent communication, and I realized that david knew exactly what was going on with me. and I remembered how we danced, at the first dance jam after ever went up to mount madonna. how we danced our lonely and missing him and love for him together. I danced with david until I was smiling again. I danced until I felt at peace with everything, even the woman in the red sweater. and that felt like a good time to go. I put on my shoes and my leather jacket and walked out into the cold, the sweat sharp against my face. I walked down the street to where I'd left ozone's truck, remembering david and I, at the beginning, the night we realized that ever well and truly connected us to each other. it was another dance jam night, my first, right at the beginning of my love for that boy. he was having a hard time, and at some point he picked up his gear and left without a word, leaving a strange energy behind. I wasn't sure if I should go after him, but then I did-- I took off out the side door, and david went out the front. we met in front of the studio, and looked at each other, and then at ever's retreating back, a block away, and then back at each other. then david switched his eyes at me-- should we?-- and I nodded, and we both took off running down the street, me barefoot and him in his stocking feet. we slowed as we came up behind ever, and he turned and saw us, and started laughing so hard that he fell into the bushes.he collapsed there, sitting on the curb, and we sat on either side of him, each of us holding one of his hands. I told you, I'm okay, he said to david. you're not okay enough, said david, and we laughed. we sat with him while he unearthed ancient hurts and fears, poured our love into him until he was okay enough. I love you both, he told us, you're my angels. and we walked back down the street to dance jam, david and I flapping our wings, and ever giggling at us both. so I remembered, tonight, that ever and I will always be connected, just as david and I will always be connected through him. and things will get weird sometimes, and sometimes things will make one or both of us cry, and we'll be lovers or we won't, but whatever else happens, it'll all be okay in the end. somehow, it always is.
(((rings))) |