the old-school guestbook archives
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gravel ~ June 20, 2003 - 10:11 p.m. so, it's entirely possible I'm a fool. I can't seem to come up with a whole lot of other possible explanations. either: #1. I'm a fool #2. hormones (as usual) or #3. Lao is some kind of bizarre parallel universe where things seem to make sense that would be insane out in the actual world. actually, now that I look at the list, #3 is seeming more plausible all the time. as a matter of fact, it explains a whole hell of a lot. not the least of which, why I let noy back into my bed and my heart last night, after all the strong words and my sincere belief that it was over forever. but what the hell. love is always a mess. I should have been able to guess by the number of times I said there was just no way I'd take him back that I was weakening. and last night, I suddenly, abruptly, felt very weak. and he asked if he could come over... just to talk... and I said yes. just to talk, I said. I went home and fed the cat and cleaned the litterbox, and thought about how weak I was feeling. about how having him come over was probably not a good idea. I had more or less decided that when he called to say he was on his way, I'd tell him not to come. that I was tired, which was true-- when he showed up at my door. he probably knew that I'd say no if he called. so there he was, and life-- the way it does-- became an ani difranco song. as your wheels hit the gravel, then your engine in the driveway cutting off and i pushed through the screen door and i stood out on the porch thinking fight, fight, fight at all costs, but instead i let you in, and you came crawling back and when he asked if I wanted to kiss him, I said I don't know, but my whole body wanted to kiss him, and then I did. and I knew it was a lost cause from there. so let's go before i change my mind and I have a hard time with this. I am not this stupid. I am not the kind of woman who stays with a man who treats her like dirt. except when I am. I'm so strong, so independent, so fierce and sure and knowing-what-I-need. and yet. I want this. I want to love this man. in spite of me. in spite of him. and oh, oh, i adore you... I just can't seem to stop coming around. he's only got one more chance with me, this much I know is true. it's more than most men get. but sometimes, this is just the way it is. sometimes you know he's not the kind of man you need, and you stay anyway. you follow it where it goes, because for some reason you feel compelled to. all i need is my leather, you've been juggling two women so let's go before i change my mind it's enough to know that if one more thing happens, I'll leave him for good. I'll be prepared for that last thing when it comes around. in the meantime, I'll try to figure out what it is about him. he came with me to buy my first guitar today, a cheap $40 guitar that looks like the night sky speckled with golden stars. we hung out on my patio and he showed me some chords, played me some songs. we sang together. it was sweet, peaceful. I want to give you everything, he tells me, I never want to lie to you again. I'm letting that be enough, for now. and you were never very kind, i adore you... I'm a fool, that much I know is true. but what the hell. I'm in good company.
(((rings))) |