the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
like the weather ~ May 20, 2002 - 6:56 p.m. this is me, not writing an article on the physiology of nicotine addiction, which is due in two days and for which I will be paid $800. can you tell? all I want to do is curl up warm in my bed. which I already did all afternoon, when the universe landed an afternoon off in my lap. the weather is strange, everything's gone cold and stormy, and as usual my emotions are reflecting the physical landscape. or maybe vice versa. I am dramatic, cold and windswept, with charcoal grey clouds and icewater chills. I am intermittent drizzle. I am thick and comforting/confusing fog. I am out of season. it was an emotional weekend, and in the shower this morning I cried for a long time. and then cried more in the computer room, writing an e-mail to my ex, apologizing for how tweaky and hard-edged I still am around him, asking for his patience as I heal, confessing to him the depths of the vulnerability of my bruised and tender little heart at the moment. and it's my moon time. so. fragile, teary. and too much work to do. I told him about the lonliness, the fear. how tired I get of being so strong all the time. how hard it is that I seem to be the one who has to be strong for everyone else, the one who always walks alone in the end. and right now, in this strange cold weather, in my moontime and feeling alone, I just want to be held. I want to fall apart in strong arms and know that I am loved. I want to crawl into soft warm blankets with my stuffed lizard and cry and cry. that last one, at least, I can have. this is all good, I know, part of a larger process of healing and growth. I'm just tired, you know? it'll pass. it always does. just like the weather.
(((rings))) |