the old-school guestbook archives
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falling apart, again ~ May 21, 2002 - 7:48 p.m. I am just now realizing that I am not doing so well, just at the moment. yesterday I was talking about how I wanted to fall apart. today it feels like I just am. I feel foggy and strange, heavy. lots of work to do and I just. don't. care. I have been thinking about asking my boss to extend the deadline on the project I'm working on. I'm hesitant to, because I wind up doing this with just about every deadline he gives me, and I don't want to endanger this gig. it's a good gig, for what it's worth. but. the falling apart thing. I haven't been getting up for yoga, and I'm feeling it in my body. it's come to count on that release. there's a retreat up here this weekend, and I'm looking forward to it. I think it might help me find my balance again. balance. I'm up on the mountain all week. I work at my work hours, I work at my writing gig, I get up for yoga some of the time, I meditate some of the time. I have fun when I can. I go out on the weekends. I ride my bike to the ends of the earth and back. I smoke pot, I drink coffee, I stay up late. come back to the mountain sunday night or monday morning. and try to find my balance again. deal with all the strange and varied emotional states I've moved through in my time away. part of which, of course, is that I usually wind up seeing james on sunday nights. and I'm tired of calling him ozone-- to me that name represents one of the aspects of his personality that I like the least. so. james. and everytime I think that everything is cool, I find myself in the same room with him and my whole body tenses up, my neck freezes into that screaming knot on the lefthand side. everything I say to him is harder, more sharp-edged than I want it to be. I'm so tired of my own hostility. I'm certain our friends are too. so tired. it does get easier, though. and he does seem to be changing, at least in some ways. there's no way to know how much he's changed until he gets depressed again. and he's in love. and my lonliness feels silly. feels like an unworthy emotion. the vast majority of the time I am okay with being alone. but there's this thing where I'm falling apart. and just want to be held. and it's when you're falling apart that you become most conscious of the fact that there is, indeed, no one there to hold you. it's when you're falling apart that you start to believe that no one ever will be. even though you know that's silly. even though the emotions are unworthy of you. you and your strength. it's when you're falling apart that you want to lay your strength on the ground, put it in the freebox for someone else to carry on their back for a while. it's when you want to e-mail your boss and tell him that the article won't be done until the end of the week, and if he doesn't like it he can lump it. it's when you want to not only indulge in your addictions, but to submerge yourself in them, up to your neck. it's when, instead of coping and keeping your shit together and being a good spiritual warrior, you crawl into bed with a bag of chocolate chip cookies and rose polenzani's "shake through to ugly" on an endless loop. it happens to all of us, from time to time. no matter how good you are, how strong. sometimes you just get tired of being so damn enlightened.
(((rings))) |