the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
losing it ~ January 7, 2002 - 7:56 p.m. I freaked out this morning. majorly. freaked. out. I hate it. I hate it when I go over the edge into that place where I'm screaming at james and slamming the palms of my hands into the wall. kicking the wall. fuck you, I actually yelled at him this morning. the most violent thing I've said to him ever, I think. because I really try hard not to freak out like this. because I want to be compassionate, and open, and patient. but then I hit an end point, I run out of patience and compassion and I just get so damn tired of hurting. and I lose it. and I hate losing it. it wasn't really this morning, it was last night, and his dark wounded silences that went on all night long, while I tried over and over again to get him to talk to me-- and got nowhere. and he's been so much better about talking, telling me what he's feeling when something inside him pulls away from me, that last night was like revisiting a town we've moved away from and never wanted to see again. and I thought that maybe things would be better in the morning, and then in the morning he was even darker, more wounded, and when I asked him why he just shrugged and said he didn't know. fine, I said, fuck you. not the most compassionate response. and then he told me a little, enough to let me know that he was hurt because I hadn't let him wake me up ten minutes before the alarm went off. because I was exhausted. because I knew I hadn't had enough sleep and wasn't going to get it, and every minute of it was sacred to me. and because I didn't even know what time it was when he tried to wake me up, only that my alarm hadn't gone off yet. and I sure as hell wasn't going to get up before the alarm. because. I was. exhausted. it's those little things that drive me the most crazy, the time when some little thing I do plunges him into an emotional abyss and I wind up paying for it for the rest of the day, when I haven't even done anything wrong. when all I did was sleep. because I was tired. so I lost it. and screamed and kicked the walls and bruised my wrists and cried and cried and cried. and I think he finally heard me when I told him, again, that what I really need for him to do is talk to me when he gets the urge to pull away. tell me what's going on, tell me what he's feeling, tell me anything. tell me he doesn't know what's going on, but to reach out to me, to try and share with me where he's at. then we can talk. and find our way back to each other, and love, and safety. and really, he's been getting so much better at this. part of me wonders if it's san jose, bringing out the worst in both of us. but it's the closest thing we have to a home at the moment, so we're going to have to find some way to deal. so I cried myself out, and got in the shower, and he said he loved me and rode off on his motorcycle, and then I got on mine and road to emeryville for this clove cigarette focus group which I'm sure I'm going to hell for. I didn't tell them I quit smoking cloves over a year ago, when an angel from god came to me in a parking lot in san diego and told me to, more or less. it's a long story, remind me to tell you sometime. along with the fifty bucks we got paid for the focus group, they handed out five packs of assorted varieties of cloves to everyone. I turned mine down. but I was in a much better space after that, and I headed from emeryville to oakland, to spend the evening with ariana and andre, which is always so healing, so beautiful. we went to the organic cafe for dinner, and had wonderful vegan food, and there I ran into two beautiful women from antioch who I haven't seen in years. we invited them to join us, and we spent dinner catching up on the last few years. it's been a good end to a day that began with sharp edges. I'm invited to stay the night, but I think I may head back down, since there's a good chance of rain tomorrow. I still don't ride in the rain. I think it's all gonna be okay, I really do. I still have moments when I wonder how long I can keep on doing this. but I know: I can do it for as long as I need to. when it's time to let go, I'll know. just not quite yet.
(((rings))) |