the old-school guestbook archives
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love and roads ~ January 7, 2002 - 4:04 a.m. today was a mellow day. the boy was out riding his motorcycle, and when I woke up, I thought I might go out too, but then I stayed in bed all day instead. (reading "the fifth sacred thing", by starhawk-- excellent.) a waste of a beautiful day, but it felt like that's what I needed. I don't do well with constant going-and-doing, I need some downtime every few days. and I had to call clare. clare is THE ex-girlfriend, the one I was with for three years. she lives a couple of states away now, and we've finally, after two years apart, managed to find our way back to some kind of friendship. it took her a while to get over her anger and bitterness. I'm not quite sure why. I was the one who got lied to. she was just astonished and shocked when I turned around and left her for it. but then, I was her first true love, and that's always hard to get over. I guess that was one of our problems. I was her first love, but she wasn't mine. I'd been broken by first love already. you really only get once to believe in love quite like that, to throw your whole being into it, knowing that it couldn't possibly end because it's just so perfect. and then there's nothing quite like the world-shattering pain when it does end, the feeling that you will never again find someone who can love you like that, who can know you like that. but then you do, you survive the aftermath, you become functional again, and sooner or later you meet someone else. but there's a hardness in you, once you've been broken like that. you may find true love again, but you know better than to stake your whole life on it. you know that things can and do come to an end. and you're never again surprised when they do. and if you're like me, you do this again and again. you meet people, you love them, you let them go. I usually keep them as friends. some of my closest friends are ex-lovers. there's something about the quality of friendship you can have with someone who's been that close to you. and without the sexual tension, since you've already been there and done that. clare is five months pregnant at the moment, and we've been talking more than we have in a long time. I'm planning to go up there for a visit when the baby's born. it's funny, ozone and I were over at keri and ian's house the other night, and I mentioned that. keri is ozone's ex-fiancee, and ian is his friend that she left him for, and married instead. we went to the wedding reception. it was pretty trippy, mainly because everyone else seemed to think that it was pretty trippy that we were there. anyway, we all get along just fine, and we were all talking about various relationships, and I mentioned clare, and keri was like: Oh! which was funny, because I'm so not used to people who are surprised that I date girls. and then I mentioned that clare is pregnant now, and she said, oh, yeah, it's always hard when that happens with an ex... and I was kind of puzzled. I mean, it never would have occurred to me to react like that to clare's pregnancy. I was excited for her, like I would be for any other friend. and privately thought that maybe it would be exactly what she needed, some tiny being to lavish her care and attention on. and then I remembered how keri looked at us the first time ozone and I hung out over there. he and I were on the couch, stoned, lazing in each other's arms, and I caught her looking at us with this kind of distant, maudlin expression on her face. and I was confused then, too, thinking-- haven't they been broken up for over a year? and isn't she happy with ian? of course, ozone hadn't yet told me that they'd actually been engaged when she left him. he didn't seem to feel that the information was relevant. but then I understood. she was looking at us that way because he's someone she once thought she'd spend the rest of her life with. and it was the first time she'd seen him with someone else. expectations, you know? I realize that most of the rest of the world doesn't deal with relationships the way I do, but for the life of me I can't figure out why. you love someone, you see it through as far as it's meant to go, and when it's time, you let it go. it's never easy, leaving or being left, but it's a lot easier when you haven't built up the idea and expectation that this person is IT, forever and ever. that doesn't mean you can't commit to something seriously, or that you're "too lazy" to stick it out through the hard stuff. you keep going until the relationship isn't growing anymore, or until you realize that it would be detrimental to the health of your mind, body, or spirit to stay. hell, ozone and I have been struggling since the beginning. and still, there are plenty of times when I want to take off and head for the hills. tonight, for instance. but I know that we're not done yet, I can feel it. the relationship is growing, he's changing all the time, and we're both still here. still working on it. for however long this journey lasts. and when the time comes to let it go, I'll know. and I'll always know that there's love waiting for me down the road, wherever the road might take me.
(((rings))) |