the old-school guestbook archives
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love as it is ~ October 8, 2007 - 8:15 p.m. I wish I didn't get so spun, about him and his connections to the other women in his life. I don't understand it, this cold fear which infects my chest and makes me shiver, triggered by the smallest details sometimes. and it's true, I'm mooning, and getting over an ear, sinus and chest infection. and my hormones have been feeling somewhat out of whack in any case, sometimes sending me into fits of hysterical crying over nothing at all. but I'm sick of letting myself spin out on this stuff, and I have no idea why it scares me so much anyway, when I am so solid and sure of his love for me. he's going to spend all of next weekend with me, and I'm spinning out over a text message. but really, when I look at it, it's not about this text, but about texting in general, about the way I wish he wanted to keep in contact with me on a daily basis the way he keeps in contact with the others. and really, it's silly, because I get so much more of him in an upclose and real sort of way than they do. texts and phone calls are mostly all they get of him. and so. I guess it's just that it mirrors back to me the difference in our commitment to this love. it doesn't let me forget that he's not going to be mine, in the end. that I don't get to dream with him about home and babies and future, because there's someone else he's spinning those dreams with. and I've known it from the very beginning. and so. so I know I can't ask for what I want. but I still can't help wishing. can't stop hating the reminders that while he loves me deeply, he'll never be *in* love with me. not the way I am with him. and I think that's why his connection to her, the younger one, the girl who is innocent in love, scares me so much. as hard as this is for me, it must be so much harder for her. the kind of hard that's going to tear her apart when it's over. maybe I'm feeling her in me. the womanchild who will be torn apart when this is over. who won't let herself believe it's coming until it comes. who knows she'll come out of this torn and hurting and alone, but trusts that it will all be worth it in the end. right now it feels worth it, ever so. I love being his girl, love the way we talk, the way he is so extraordinarily there for me. right now this feels like more than I ever could have asked for. and I can only imagine how much more it must feel like for her. so young, so inexperienced. how do you maintain equilibrium when he is the only bright spot in your world and you know he will never be yours? I hope she knows. I really, truly do. if I am so experienced, and aware, and cogent of the realities of our situation, why does it scare me so much? why do I let that fear turn my heart, instead of just relaxing into love-as-it-is, this moment in time when I have him and he has me? why do I need so much more than what he can give me? the heart is such a fragile creature.
(((rings))) |