the old-school guestbook archives
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musings on mobility and melodrama ~ april 26, 2001 - 11:11 p.m. and the substitute drug of choice for this evening is: caffeine. I had the urge to make a pot of coffee at nine o'clock this evening, and so I did. I quit drinking coffee a couple of months ago. I am now nicely buzzed. yes, I'm quite aware of what this is. my addictive nature is fighting back against my spiritual nature, like a teenaged daughter and her mom. my heart says you have to give up your addictions, and my addicted self says bite me. yes, there's still a war going on over here. I think I need to get out of isolation. I need community. I need people around me who support my spiritual growth. when I go up to mt. madonna to see ever, it feels so good to be surrounded by people on a spiritual path. I need to get my retreat application filled out. I need to get my car back, so that I can put myself in the places where I need to be. hopefully, I'm getting the car back tomorrow. getting a ride into boulder creek in the morning for another photo shoot-- which will put me over the top of the money I need for the repairs-- and then hopping on various forms of public trans to get up to redwood city, where the peugeot garage is-- jim cerrone & sons, for any hapless bay-area-peugeot-owners out there. it's a trip to go to a garage where they don't make a face at me for having a peugeot. it will be so lovely to be mobile again. ariana has a dance performance on saturday, and I'm hoping to make it up to berkeley for that. she and I are all good again, by the way. we've been talking on the phone a lot lately, which has just been lovely. lovely's an ariana word. we infect each other's language constantly. she actually caught herself saying "digging on" once. I'm hoping to make it to dance jam tomorrow night, too, once I've got my car back. and I'm hoping to spend some time in boulder creek this week, catching up with my people there. it's going to be a challenge, though, to be there and not smoke. we'll see how it goes. in a way, I think it being in a place where I'm so happy and feel so loved will make the whole struggle easier to deal with. on the other hand, I'm offered smoke about every twenty feet in boulder creek. what's funny about this whole sense of internal struggle surrounding the addiction thing is that I'm not even in a position to smoke at the moment. I haven't bought weed in quite a while, and I'm not spending any time around people who smoke on a regular basis, so the issue hasn't even come up. it's all hypothetical. and it's not unusual for me to go for several weeks without smoking, so I know it's really just the IDEA that I need to quit that some part of me is rebelling against. it all seems so melodramatic. I guess it signifies that there's some kind of massive internal shift accompanying this whole thing. anything this exhausting must be here to teach me something.
(((rings))) |