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my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band

...the ones I love best... something like one and only.... ~ December 17, 2007 - 1:32 a.m. I didn't really know I was going to add an entry, but then I just found myself doing it, my fingers clicking the buttons like they had their own agenda.... and so I'm here, anyway. I went to the dicken's fair this weekend, and then to the gaskells ball, and I had a really wonderful time. me in my gorgeous thrift store dress... I find some of the most awesome costumes at the thrift store. i've seen men stop breathing when you walk by, jessecat tells me. he was being sweet and giving me lots of attention, working hard at balancing that with all of his other fair responsibilities, not to mention his many flirtations. I am feeling fairly safe in the knowledge that he loves me well, and is not going anywhere anytime soon. we've come about a thousand miles from the last dickens fair. and it's so hard for me to believe that we've been doing this for over a year now, that we're doing things we can compare to the last time we did them, a year ago. and a year ago was such a hard time for our connection, that it's a relief to be doing things the way I wish they'd happened then. I'm not sure that last sentence made sense outside of my own head. but anyway. he's being good to me, making up in spades for the sins of the distant past... and dickens fair was lovely, it just was. last year was my first ever attempt at ballroom dancing, and now I'm halfway decent at it. I know people now too, from the dancing scene. I'm starting to have my own friends there, my own connections. I love to dress up, I love to dance. I love that I finally know the congress of vienna well enough to dance it with a stranger without missing a beat. and from fair to gaskells, a lovely ball in a sumptuous ballroom, I was exhausted at first but caught my second wind and had a lovely time. I had a long talk with the very cool woman who is dating jesse's best friend about the challenges of open relationships. this one is her first, while I've had many, but we can both relate pretty intensely to the other's experience. it's good thing to talk about with others who can understand, since so many people just don't get it. sometimes I don't even get it. I'm wondering sometimes, if I'm starting to be ready for a little monogamy. I know I can't have it with him, but maybe in my next partnership, a real and lasting one that meets my needs, maybe then I'd be looking for something along the lines of one and only. I guess I'm just getting a little tired of the balancing act. even when it's done well. and now that I'm no longer holding space for ariana in my life, it doesn't feel like monogamy carries such a price. if I was madly in love with someone, and we had something as deep and wonderful as what I have with jesse-- only with the missing bits filled in-- then yes, it's easy to imagine. one and only, something like. most people can't imagine what a novelty that feels like to me. and once upon a time, I couldn't have imagined it feeling like such a relief. previously... * and then... (((rings)))