the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
other women's men ~ August 17, 2005 - 5:25 a.m. he's on my mind, lately. you're the best of everything about this place, i wanted to tell him, the day i said goobye. you know, my crush. rock and roll boy. my water in the desert. the one who feels like me. i think sometimes that i've perfected the art of the unconsummated crush. the trick is to keep it from being results-driven. enjoy the crush for the crush itself. then you can just revel in it, without all the agony. it's the perfect ideal of love. thing being, i fall in love with other women's men. and having too much ethics and empathy (after the days of secrets and lies...) to ever go there, again... i learn to crush, and crush well. to crush safely. to love with an open heart, and love the girlfriends, too. to love the happiness they know in their love for each other and to revel in that, too. just now i realize that part of what i love about these men is their ability to love. each has a heart that shines in their eyes. each has turned the warmth of those eyes on me, been utterly present with me with an open heart, without inflicting harm upon their partners. (and oh yes i have my woman-loves too, but this, here now is about the boys...) my maybe somedays. the tiny brilliant constellation that warms the inside of my ribcage even in the harshest environment. burning so brightly. and he, here in this place, was more of a blessing than i could ask for in these last two years. the fire i curled close to in seasons cold enough to kill. and i wonder, sometimes how much he knows of what my connection to him means to me. how important he has been to my world here. i wonder if he knows that i want to know him for the rest of my life, however our connection manifests. so much we don't say. and that, part of the sweetness, in its own way. communicating in energy and touch and small kindnesses. two years now i've been crushing so deeply and sweetly on this boy, and the two of us have tended this fertile ground together. and if ever i might wonder if he could really love me, the universe gave me his face, moving through ten shades of reaction when i told him that i'm moving back to california. gifted me too, a free hour and a half to work on his back one last time, digging out the knots and the rocks and the kinks, sharing warm space and healing light. so much i wanted to say, but all i could do was shake my head and grin, what'm i gonna do without you? and wrap my arms around him again. i'm gonna miss you. oh, sweet thang, you know it.
(((rings))) |