the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
fighting with myself ~ april 22, 2001 - 11:06 p.m. aaahhhhh... much better. I ditched the creaky old version of netscape I was using in favor of mozilla-- I'm gonna get my geek card laminated any day now. the best thing about mozilla so far is that I CAN READ MY OWN DIARY! it's the little things in life. so... on friday I called the peugeot mechanics and told them I'd bring chi in on monday morning and then swore off thinking about my car for the rest of the weekend. I caught a ride into santa cruz with pat, and killed a buncha time at borders (reading "Invisible Circus" by Jennifer Egan). about borders books... it was pretty controversial when they moved into santa cruz. santa cruz has a history of being anti-big-chain-businesses, and borders moved in two blocks away from a deeply cool independent bookstore-- bookshop santa cruz. I was against it. and I still don't spend any money at borders, but I have discovered one thing-- borders is like having a big living room when you're homeless. I can go there and use the bathroom, fill up my water bottles, sit and read for hours on end if I feel like it, sit in the cafe and work on my laptop, listen to music in the cd department. every friday night they have kids movies in the children's department, with free popcorn and juice. a lot of the street kids hang out at borders. homeless vets come in to sit in comfy chairs and get out of the rain. ever goes there to paint. I'm starting to think it's not such a bad thing to have around. and then there's pat's argument: banning bookstores is just one step away from banning books. so anyway. I hang at borders. then I went to dance jam, which was good, and which I badly needed. while I was there, a guy recognized me from having been up at mt. madonna, the yoga center where ever is living. I wound up getting a ride up there with him and a carload of beautiful people, so I could go wake up ever in the middle of the night and crawl into bed and into his arms and just revel in sharing warm loving space with him again. mmmm... yes, I'm utterly silly over this boy. but in this beautiful, open way that leaves lotsa breathing room for both of us. it's lovely, really. he told me: people up here think you're my girlfriend. we both got a good giggle out of that. whatever we are, it's so much cooler than girlfriend or boyfriend. we let go of the expectations and hold on to the love. something wild happened while we were engaged in some fairly blissful pursuits... we were kissing, and suddenly I felt something small and hard drop into the back of my throat. I started to choke, and had to flip myself over and start hacking. suddenly, my barbell flew out of my mouth, minus the little screw-on ball, and I realized what I was choking on. I'm pretty sure I said "holy crap!"-- which is not something I say, ever. finally, after lots of hacking and drooling, I got the ball dislodged and spit it out. I've been wearing this barbell for six years, and it's NEVER come unscrewed by itself. so I decided to take it as a sign-- what the hell. maybe it's time to go through life with an unpierced tongue for a while. it's been a long time. so I left it out, and now I'm just fascinated by the feel of my tongue. it's so smooth, it feels really sweet. it does kinda feel like the end of an era, though. so I got to spend some time with my sweet love, and it was good, it was really good. I'd like to say that life is good, and I guess it really is, but the truth is that things are feeling pretty hard lately. it's not the car stuff or anything outside of me, really-- I'm just struggling with something on such a deep, internal level that I don't even know what it is. what I do know is that I feel exhausted all the time, and that my whole body feels locked up in these painful knots. I can't release my back at all. I'm depressed a lot. I'm keeping it all in a pretty positive framework, but I'm tired, that's all. I'm just really, really tired. pema chodron rocks my world. I'm re-reading "When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times" for about the billionth time. this is the book that brought me to buddhism. she reminds me constantly of the truths I know in my heart. times like these I badly need the reminders.
(((rings))) |