the old-school guestbook archives
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miles and miles of rough road ~ January 13, 2002 - 8:54 p.m. I am just well and truly exhausted. and not trying to be a bitch, but I just really want to be left alone. quiet time with my book. that's all. it's been a rough few days. we hit darkhungryangryscared places at least once a day. and today, I was hoping, would be better, easier. and it was, mostly. we camped out in boulder creek, had breakfast at the blue sun, and then went to the boardwalk to ride the giant dipper all day long. and it was good. and it only got hard once, when we had a small conversation about big things on the ferris wheel, and when we got off he was stuck in the bad place again. and whenever I see him that way, I want to scream. I want to walk away, and say enough. but I don't, not yet. this time I took a deep breath and reached out to him, tried to get him to ride the giant dipper with me. and he was stuck. but finally he did. we rode the giant dipper, and looked at our picture on the monitor at the end, and I had to laugh, because his face was all screwed up in this knot like he was determined not to enjoy himself. and even he had to laugh. I look like I'm taking a shit, he said, and then I knew it would be okay. and then it was okay, and we talked more, about love and its risks, and he won me a little purple dragon at one of those games. and we rode the giant dipper until I couldn't take it anymore, and then we went to the arcade and played old-school games. frogger. donkey kong. millipede. and then we went for sushi, and things kind of fell apart. we were talking about the land we've been wanting to buy, which is becoming possible now that he sort of maybe really has a job, and he was talking about taking out a second mortgage on the house he owns and started saying how all of this could happen in a month and I just freaked out. because I thought there would be more time, first. for me to be sure. for me to know that I can keep being in this relationship, even though right now I'm so exhausted I can barely move. I thought santa cruz would be good for us, and I thought there would be more time. and I said how, maybe, it would be good to take that time. find out how and who we are when we're not in san jose and hating it. and maybe if we could save the down payment in cash, he wouldn't have to take out a second mortgage, and that would be less stressful. and. and he got depressed, and dark, and making little comments in a nasty tone of voice which he likes to pretend means nothing. and then we were fighting in the car, and I was crying for the fifth time in five days. and I was wondering, what makes either of us think this is a good idea. and after all was said and done, it turned out that he knew exactly what I was saying and agreed. and the rest was just the ongoing nightmare of his lack of communication skills. which gets better in some ways. but I get scared a lot. I get scared because I think that this is what I want in spite of the fact that he has so little of what I believe that I need. and we both know that this isn't forever, and I have my other lovers to supply me with things that he can't. and yet. something needs to change and I stay because I believe in that change, that I see him growing all the time. but when hell becomes a daily occurrence, and it feels like there's hundreds of miles of rough road before he can be emotionally supportive in the most basic of ways... I get scared. I get tired. and I believe that santa cruz will be better. I believe that once we are there, I'll have more of a sense of where we're at, and if this is going to work. and then, then might be a good time to buy land. even though it's him buying the land, and I've always let him know I probably wasn't staying forever-- I want to go up there feeling hopeful, feeling excited for the future of what we're trying to build. not feeling scared. and tired. and wanting to run. I just need some quiet space. some time alone. curled up with my book. I wish I was in love the way cubiclegirl is. I wish I knew what to do.
(((rings))) |