the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
sickness ~ December 28, 2003 - 9:43 p.m. this has been a difficult and painful stretch that feels endless. and it's hard to say what all it is. I know that my health (lack thereof) is the main thing. the thing that has me feeling so drained and depleted and helpless. because chronic illness feels like this. chronic illness feels like dying. like no amount of self-care or hot tea or vitamins swallowed will keep this body of yours from getting weaker and weaker until you die. these are the things I am thinking about, in this endless stretch of frigid milwaukee time. and unexplained chronic illness carries with it a tinge of terror, no matter how strong your faith may be. I have assumed for many years now that I will live to be an old woman. I can even picture myself, rounder and wrinkly, with salt-and-ginger hair woven into thick farmer's braids, worn with overalls as I putter around in my organic garden. this is what I believe. what I have believed for many years. what has been easy to believe while I have been so strong, and active, and athletic. I rock climb, I ride motorcycles and mountain bikes, I practice yoga, I lift weights, I run, I dance like a deity possessed. of course I will live to be a hundred. but these days are dark and strange and cold, and I am running low on energy to sustain my beliefs. sometimes I think I will die just because I am too damn tired. I don't remember ever in my adult life feeling so deeply fatigued for so long at a stretch. feeling so weak and sickly and beaten down. this latest cold has had me for about a week. my body aches all over for days at a stretch. my joints creak and snap like dry kindling. sometimes I think I was a fool to come home to a northern winter with an immune system already beaten by seasons in southeast asia. sometimes I think of running away to california. sometimes. but I can still list on both hands a whole lot of good reasons to stay. at least for now. and I do have this strangely persistent belief that in 2004, it's all going to get better. but I just don't know how to feel about feeling this way. I don't know how to be this weak, this sick, this helpless. this lack of light that feels like dying. sometimes I think this place is killing me. but most of the time I don't let myself believe it.
(((rings))) |