the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
mother's little helper... ~ May 7, 2003 - 10:26 p.m. I can not stay on long, as sleep is too much of a priority these days. I think the antibiotics are causing insomnia. I've had it really bad this past week. that used to be a big problem for me, but when I'm emotionally healthy (which is mostly, these days), I generally sleep pretty well. not being able to fall asleep was manageable while I was home sick in bed. when I finally did fall off, I'd just sleep most of the day, so I got plenty of rest. but now that I'm back to school, I just can't afford to not sleep. sunday night it was so bad that I just didn't fall asleep at all. I tried focusing on my breathing, giving myself reiki, nothing worked. when my alarm went off on monday morning, I was still awake, and my chest was so tight that it hurt to breathe. I wanted to go to work, but I could barely get out of bed. so I called in sick for one more day, and after I finally did get some sleep, I got up and took myself down to the pharmacy and got some valium. no shit. I never thought I find myself taking valium. I did check for melatonin, but of course that is not to be had. and of course, you don't need a prescription for valium in this part of the world. so that night I took my first valium and melted off to sleep. it really was nothing like I thought it would be from all the hype. I guess you have to take a pretty high dose to get really loopy, and all I wanted was sleep. which I got, although it was interrupted by a nightmare. a strange and vivid one. the strangest part was that throughout the whole thing, my eyes were closed. in the dream, I mean. it was all sensation. I dreamed that my body was being moved by unseen forces. this is a recurring theme in my once-in-a-blue-moon nightmares. I was being moved, but I kept myself curled up tight, with my eyes closed. I had a feeling that there must be a good reason for it, that these unseen forces were taking me somewhere to show me something important. so I was scared, but I didn't really believe I would be hurt. I kept chanting circle of protection keep me safe, circle of protection keep me safe, and envisioning a circle of light around me. I was moved off the bed, and landed with strange gentleness on the floor. and then I was being slid across the floor, which was much larger than my bedroom floor actually is. a couple of times I tried to call out, but it was that strange dream thing where your voice only comes out in a whisper. and then I was back in my bed, and things got really scary. I was holding these hands in mine, and they were small-- like a child's hands-- but cold and dead-feeling. and then they started to reach for me, to grab my body, and I started shrieking in terror, and then I said to myself (in a strangely calm voice) this is a dream, open your eyes. and I did, and I was in my bed, alone and awake. strange one. I kept my light on for a while, and read for a bit to banish the dream shadows from my head before I went back to sleep. I was a little worried about taking the valium the next night, but I did, and melted off to sleep with no strangeness to speak of. I slept well and hard, and today I do feel just a tiny bit better. so hell, the drugs did their job. just so I don't get used to it. I went back to the doctor today, and they gave me some more meds and a note for my boss. I feel like I'm finally on the mend. starting to get my sparkle back, just a bit. one piece of doctor's advice I don't think I'll be able to follow though: lots of liquids, but no ice. it's so hot right now, it's unbelievable. I prefer my water room temperature, but that's a little hard when the temperature is that of an oven. and no iced fruit juice? sorry, no way. anyway, I started teaching a new class tonight, and it was fun. some of the neighbor kids, aged 12, 14, and 18. a little class in my living room. they're a little shy with me, and cute, with their spiky haired teenagedness, and I think we'll have a good time together. their folks are getting together to pay me 500 baht (about twelve bucks) a month for two classes a week. it's more a token than anything, but I want them to pay a bit of something so that they'll value it more, and show up. they all seem to want to be there, and to learn. it's karma yoga for me, and not a bad way to do it. alright, I'm off to bed~ nolafondee....
(((rings))) |