the old-school guestbook archives
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what I want you to know... ~ August 22, 2006 - 10:17 p.m. so, I need to fess up to a habit of mine, and I hope it doesn't spook you too badly: I look at my stats. way back when I got into this diary habit of mine, I embedded a tracker down in the bottom left corner. it's not a secret, you can go down there and take a look at my stats too, if you want. I'll wait. over the years, I've developed the habit of just checking in with my stats, time to time. it's fascinating to see where people are coming from, what they were searching for when they got here. (that's one of my favorite things-- you can see search terms. that's how I know I get a lot of hits for "officeporn" and "rhumba panties".) so, yeah. I look at my stats. I can't see who you are, but I can see bits of info about you. what kind of machine you're using, what browser. what time it is where you are. I like to see the details, extrapolate patterns. and here is a pattern I noticed: multiple hits from the same computer in austin, texas. and this could be anyone at all, but a voice inside me keeps saying that it's you, T, wanting a window into what we're getting up to without you here. and whether or not I'm right in my feeling about who you are, austin, texas-- I want to write these things to T, both because I want her to know them, and because I want to tell this story. I want to hear these words out loud on the screen. we were silent for so long, ari and I. I emailed her when I noticed the austin hits, because I knew she'd get the dimensions of what I'm feeling. we used to be a secret, she and I, back when we first began to love each other and he still had a partner who couldn't be told. don't ask, don't tell doesn't work, in love or war. but it's what they had, and we learned to edit him out of our diaries. we'd get hits from austin then, too. we were new to the whole blogging thing, and it was a bit astonishing to realize that these little wordplays we wrote for ourselves were open even to the partners of our lovers. you can't say technology hasn't changed our social and relationship dynamics in previously unimaginable ways. and so we bit our tongues, we kept it on the down low. it felt shady and sneaky and we never liked it. not to mention that the three of us were developing a really special connection that mattered a lot to each of us-- and yet we couldn't write about it. it's been years since then, and lately I've been having the desire to write about it. to be open for once about how special our connection has always been to me. to us. there's not a lot of places I can do that. this place here, though-- this is mine to do with what I need to. and if you need to come see the world through my eyes, I just hope it doesn't hurt you. I know that you understand that the three of us love each other, and that we had something special. I very much want to make sure that you also know that you are always held in consideration when we are together, and that making sure we respect your relationship is important to all three of us. he has never been so happy and healthy as he has been since falling in love with you, and I am so grateful that he has such a phenomenal partner, and that you two feed each other's spirits. I love to see you when you do come on tour, and I look forward to knowing you more over the years. and when he tells us that you're going to start talking about raising a family, I feel only warmth, only love for you both. I wish you only well. and I think you know these things, T, but I want to have them said. and want to have space too for the other things there are to say. because it's true that losing him as a lover has affected us both, and there is a certain maudlin quality to the changing of things. she and I are adjusting, but there are ways in which it is hard. and ways in which it was deeply precious for us to be able to share space with him again, to actually have his time and attention and feel connected. and I need to be able to write about that, too. and I'm glad I wrote about the fact that we were good, and tucked ourselves away in separate beds just for good measure, because it's also true that we need to know that you feel good, you feel safe. this is also true, that we are trustworthy. when I emailed ari to tell her about this, she reminded me that we're real, that we've shared a real experience, and that we've kept our silence for too long. she suggested I write about the experience of seeing you seeing me writing about us. and this feels good, telling this story. especially now, when all things are changing, when we're growing in all these different directions. it feels good to look back, to hold this story close to my heart, to tell it. she and I and him, and the roads we traveled together. it's a story that's still growing and changing, and now you're in it, too. we all get to be in the story. nobody has to disappear. and it all works out right in the end. I just wanted you to know.
(((rings))) |