the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
me and my monkey mind ~ November 28, 2001 - 7:27 a.m. so, today is the day I leave for my 10-day meditation retreat. I've got that feeling like I always get on roller coasters, when it gets to the top of that first big hill and I think oh shit what have I gotten myself into! in that moment before it plunges down. yes, I'm scared. ten days staring at the inside of my own head? jeesus. but I think it's going to be good. I think I'm ready for this. (I think too much for my own good.) since I've been in night-creature mode, I deliberately flipped my schedule, so that my first night and day at the retreat wouldn't be completely miserable. night before last, I stayed up all night, and then stayed up all day, so that I'd be exhausted enough to go to sleep early last night. these are the tortuous little games you have to play with yourself when insomnia is so entrenched that it becomes a lifestyle. it worked, though. I got a good night's sleep last night, and woke up this morning before seven. can you believe that? there's still gonna be some adjusting to do-- at the retreat you go to bed at 9:30 and wake up at (oh good god) FOUR A.M.-- but being up this early means I've got a passing chance at being tired at bedtime tonight. and there'll be no reading myself to sleep... we're not supposed to bring books or writing materials. we're not supposed to communicate with the other students or the outside world. we are just there to focus on meditation. that's it. yikes. and on a completely different topic-- I saw "almost famous" last night. I really liked that movie. it brought up a lot of memories and feelings for me, magical times when I have been surrounded by music and the incredible beings who make it. and I have to admit-- I love saying it, I do: I'm with the band. you just can't not get a kick out of it. I've never been a groupie, it's never been like that, like sleeping with someone in a band was some kind of trophy. but I've had musician friends and lovers, oh yes, and I've been on the list, I've hung on the bus. and there's something trippy about being with famous people, it's true... walking down the street with someone who gets recognized, and thinking I held him in my arms last night. or seeing someone you know and love on tv, or in a movie, and remembering the way they taste, the things you've laughed about together. but what's really magical about hanging out with musicians is just being with people who LOVE what they do. people who play music for fun when they're not on stage. who jam together all night long-- backstage, on the bus, in a stranger's kitchen-- and laugh with the rush of what they are creating in that moment. unrecoreded, unhrehearsed, not for sale, they create it for the joy of creating it, and release it into the universe to work its own magic. I miss my musicians, I do. but I know that even if I never find myself on another tour bus, I will always remember those times and think: magic. pure magic. I will always remember the tilt of brown eyes towards frets, the midnight-to-dawn jam sessions, the winks and the laughter and the feel of them in my arms. I will always remember. I'll be out of touch for ten days or so. see you when I get back to the world. be well, my friends.
(((rings))) |