the old-school guestbook archives
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flux and change ~ May 12, 2002 - 9:44 p.m. the flip side of anger is fear. we talked about this in my yoga class last week, when we did an exercise that involved holding the breath in, and then holding it out, while holding a yoga posture. muneesh, the yoga teacher, had talked about how it could bring up a lot of emotions for people, because it strikes right to the heart of our most primal fear, that fear from which most other fears seem to be born: fear of death. we'd done this exercise once before, but this was the first time I experienced what muneesh was talking about. fear so intense it flooded my whole body. of course, I'm experiencing a lot of fear lately, on a lot of levels. and I've realized that that's at the heart of how I respond to ozone: he scares me. terrifies me. and I'm still working out why. but just now I was writing him an e-mail, and I just started pouring out all this stuff about how his actions throughout our relationship sent me the same message the actions of my brother, my primary abuser, did when I was a kid. I do know that I now react to ozone emotionally as "an abuser". that when I pulled up to keri and ian's house yesterday and saw him on the porch, I started shaking, and felt like I couldn't breathe. that all night long I kept having to breathe through that panicky feeling in my chest, to remind myself, what he does has nothing to do with me. and now that I know what I'm feeling, and at least part of why, I'm starting to understand so much more about my emotional state. I'm so glad. it's feeling like I'm finally getting a grip on all the emotions that have been washing through me, wave after wave. I still have that closed-off feeling, where I'm seeing and experiencing everything from a distance. I'm trying to be patient. it's just hard to be back in this place, after being so open for so long. but at the same time, I realize that I'm probably just now getting a grip on things I really needed to deal with. reading through my diary the other night, I remembered how last spring there were big heavy feelings locked up in my chest that I couldn't untangle. I think maybe I'm just now dealing with it all, my lousy relationship experience having sprung the pandora's box. which is maybe what the whole ordeal was for, in a lot of ways. last night was ian's birthday party, and it was a good time. ozone was there with his new girl, who is very cool, and seeing them together was a little surreal. it did make him much easier to be around, though. he's much less likely to do obnoxious things to get attention when he's got an unlimited source of attention nearby. things like laughing manaically for no reason, or making weird noises, or saying gross or inappropriate things. he's done all of the above at the dinner table with my parents, as well as in many other social situations, and it's gotten to the point where something crazed and pointed rises in my throat whenever he does one of those things. he did not, of course, introduce me to new girl, which put me in the very uncomfortable position of knowing who she was but not having the context to interact with her. so finally I took it upon myself, I said "I'm feeling kind of uncomfortable about not being introduced, so I'm just going to introduce myself-- so hey, I'm kelly." and she thanked me for it, and told me she'd figure that's probably who I was (the red hair), but wasn't sure. expecting him to have anything like social graces is a lost cause. but it was a good time, and when I walked up and he was sitting on the porch I said hi, and he waved and said hi back. see? I said, it's already going better than last time. keri pointed out something wonderful last night, one of those simple reminders that strikes just exactly the right cord at the right time. she said that when you get to a certain point, you get to choose how you want to look at the whole experience. and that realization felt like such a weight lifted-- oh yeah, I get to choose! I don't have to see myself as a victim, I don't have to feel horrible about falling into a lousy relationship. I can put it into whatever perspective I want. how wonderful. I dig the hell out of keri. I think in a lot of ways, these last few weeks have been a process of looking at my relationship with ozone from a lot of different perspectives. I've had to let myself experience the negativity and animosity I was feeling, I had to look at it from a lot of different angles. I'm finally getting to the point where I can start looking at it from some of the more positive ones. that won't ever make the things he did okay, but it can render them powerless to affect my life now. and I did learn so much from the experience. not least of all, what kinds of things I simply cannot have in a relationship, and the things I cannot live without. I walked into it with open eyes, and I made the choice to stay over and over again, until I needed to make the choice to leave. and there's nothing at all wrong with that. yes, I'm learning a lot. this is a time of transition. I just finished my first six weeks at the center, and I've signed on for at least another six weeks. I'm going to have to move into different housing, but I don't know where I'm going yet. they were going to try to move me into a tent, but I told them in no uncertain terms that I really did not want to, so I think they're going to try to put me in another room. I mean, you -know- that I'm down with tent living-- but I've been living in a tent, or a car, or someone else's house for most of the last year and a half. having the stability of my own room has been a real blessing, especially while I've been going through all this, and I'm not quite ready to give it up. I'm hoping that they'll put me in this place called the log building, which is nice and light and I'd get my own room. we'll see. tatiana, my roommate, left today. she's decided not to extend her stay, although she thinks she may be back sometime. strange to say goodbye to her. sharing space has been so positive, she's been such a supportive presence. nothing like having another aquarius around. I'll miss her. garfield, the other person who started here at the same time as me, is going to washington d.c. with some of the kids from the high school-- he's been recruited to videotape the trip, so he'll be gone for the next couple of weeks, and then he'll only be here for a couple of weeks more. so everything is changing. a new group of folks are coming in to start the program, something like ten of them. it feels like things are shifting for me emotionally right now too. flux and change. the beginning of summer. birth and growth. happy mama's day, y'all.
(((rings))) |